The Return of the Beast

[overlord_mordax]

***Self***

The past, what, week and a half, has been a special kind of purgatory for me; a kind of experience many of you reading this could only imagine. My detractors would say that I could only imagine it as well. Before this, I was nearly ready to agree with them.

I don’t know how many of you are really aware of this, but for a while now it’s been an open secret that I, the Digimon Kaizer, was previous to that life, a mazoku in service to Xelloss and Lord Beastmaster. Some of you don’t even know what that is. I doubt any of you know what it really means.

More than a thousand years ago I sold my soul to the mazoku at the price of power and eternal life. While it was a major transition, it was really only another step down a path I had been walking since my early childhood. It was Beast Priest Xelloss who started me on the path of sorcery, and it was he who took me further down the path of destruction when he made me his true servant shortly before the kouma war.

Never in all those years of that life, or the accidental next, did I regret that transformation and bonding. Indeed thoughts of my master have often buoyed my flagging spirits in these my years bound to a human body. I await with anticipation the day that my master can break my chains and restore me to my rightful place by his side.

***Madness***

However, the mazoku spirit and the human brain/mind/body are almost catastrophically incompatible. Those of you who have seen Slayers know what happened to the Demon Dragon King Gaav. Imprisoned in a mortal shell for incarnation after incarnation he went mad from his conflicting human and mazoku urges and turned on the mazoku. He had his memories, his powers, and his servants, but still each successive identity, each birth and death made its mark upon his mind.

I on the other hand, am exiled here, a thousand universes from the world of Lord Ruby Eye; in a place where all of my magic can not light a candle.; can not summon a single imp. A world where the voice of my master is a whisper in my head that no other person can hear and I am hard-put to distinguish from the whisperings of my own mind.

Is it any surprise then, that as this body ages and matures my mind falls into that pattern the body has set for it? In a world where I am ridiculed and declared mad for service to my true nature, and can do nothing, NOTHING to prove its veracity, even to myself, is it a wonder that the lull of this body’s urges start to erode my will?

With even my master’s voice in absence for nearly a year, over the last few months the siren call has grown steadily more appealing.

***Doubt***
 

I have never, not even in my recent, darkest hours wondered whether or not I was evil. I am evil; I am vice and viciousness and wicked wonder. But when no one around you believes that you are a demon, and there’s no proof such a thing ever existed, it is easy to question whether or not you are one. And the body seizes on the moment of existential doubt and asks ‘even if you are a mazoku, what does it matter here and now? Disregard the voice in your head that says it is your master and maker and live life by your own agenda’.

The human mind is not built to serve; it is built first and foremost to survive, and secondly to lead. It is easy to swear reverence to an absent master who asks nothing of you.

But when a voice you can hardly understand returns after a long absence and gives you difficult, and time consuming orders, it is easy to bitterly decide that the voice is your own mind. For the body to tell you to do as you like.

***Purgatory***

Last week my mind was at war. The mazoku in me was overjoyed at my master’s sudden return and ready to do anything in his name; but the sullen, independent human was bitter and rebellious, and ready to stick its fingers in its ears and pretend that I heard nothing.

I was distraught. My last really conscious thought was begging, pleading with Xelloss to do something. Show me that I was really a mazoku, burn the human weakness from my soul; show me that he was truly my master.

After that I remember only fragments. Pain, mostly, and the idea of being pursued. But mostly searing, soul cleansing pain. And finally my master’s embrace.

I write now to you as a creature without self-doubt. With time, perhaps they will creep in again but for now: I am become chaos, destroyer of worlds.

And it’s party time.

-Mordax

Comments

[soulspiritdebv.livejournal.com]

I'm wondering if I'm the only one who read this...

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

The whole tl;dr thing? Quite possibly!

[faded-fae.livejournal.com]

Lazy people on your f-list are lazy.

EDIT: But I'm questioning why it says "it's me, the Foster's loser", when my display name is "The darkness is quiet and it is patient." It makes me think I've been hacked.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

I read it. I knew most of it already and we've discussed all of this as it went on for years. I don't know how many of you guys know that side of her, really, maybe all this is new to you?

[faded-fae.livejournal.com]

Not really new to me, no.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

I'm the "other" mazokukin, in case you're wondering. I'm not as "out" as Mordax, but I like to think I'm kinda a partner-in-crime. :P

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

You don't count. ;)

[sletia.livejournal.com]

Pfft. Do too.

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

ONE batshit mazoku! HA HA HA! TWO batshit mazoku! HA HA HA!


... I need a Count Von Count icon.

[sletia.livejournal.com]

*faceplant*

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

I didn't really expect many people to read it. *shrug*

Also, I don't see your name displaying that way.

[faded-fae.livejournal.com]

I only do on faded_fae, for some strange reason.

"[info]soulspiritdebv — It's me, the Foster's loser. XDDD wrote:"

Maybe I noted myself somehow that way...I changed my password just in case.

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

Fo me it displays as "It's an ocean...a dark ocean.."

[alkahestapeiron.livejournal.com]

Well shit.

Shit.

Ok yeah clearly we're not articulate at all here so we'll just leave it here.

*cracks knuckles*

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

...does... this mean...war?
???

[alkahestapeiron.livejournal.com]

Let's just say that reading your post was something done against my better judgement.

And I need to gather up certain thoughts and put them back in their cage.

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm... sorry? Really legit confused here.

Go ahead and PM me if you feel like explaining but not in a public forum. Otherwise, I won't lose any sleep over it, but hope you feel better.

[alkahestapeiron.livejournal.com]

I just spent a long, long time repressing certain personality traits that Slayers inevitably brings out. Totally my fault for not skipping over anything, really.

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh. Sorry about that. I suppose I should have put a trigger warning up, but I figured people would get the idea.

I'm around if you ever wanna talk about it.

[alkahestapeiron.livejournal.com]

It's really not your fault. ^^ Something would've done it at some point.

I'll probably take you up on that. Just need to sort through things. Feels like everyone's yelling at the same time.

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

I think you saw my contact info on the other post. I'm at work now, but I'll be available later tonight, just for reference.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, I can't say that I understand perfectly as to how you feel. Mostly that's because I have trouble, these days, understanding "good" and "evil" as concrete concepts. I think, and you may certainly correct me if I am wrong, that you are defining evil in this context as "That which brings disorder."

But I can at least understand where you're coming from. I've had a lots of moments where I've felt spiritually empty, feeling weak from a lack of conviction. So, if nothing else, I admire your newfound conviction and confidence.

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

I have my own working definition of evil (see here

evil is
A: acts committed entirely for self profit, with little or no regard to the feelings or well-being of others.
B: acts committed in opposition to, defiance of, or lacking any regard for, established social and cultural standards, practices, laws, expectations, etc, especially, but not limited to, those governing 'moral' behavior.
C: any combination of the above two.

Also, yeah, I saw your latest LJ post. I'd like to say there's something in the air, but really, I guess its something we go through when there's nothing to tie us to who we are; and so much social shame attached to being it.

[violettsukino.livejournal.com]

Your definition actually is one I can relate to on some level, as there have been times during my soul-searching that I have been tempted to focus on advancing my own desires and my sense of social deviancy while gradually moving away from the notion of altruism(In other words, helping others without expecting anything in return). While I'm trying, these days, to strike a balance between selfishness and selflessness, I can empathize with why you have taken an "evil" path. I'll admit there's still a shred of the demonic in me, for better or worse.

Also, yeah, I saw your latest LJ post. I'd like to say there's something in the air, but really, I guess its something we go through when there's nothing to tie us to who we are; and so much social shame attached to being it.

Yeah, it's frustrating when we have these parts of ourselves that feel very real, but have nothing to validate them with. It's also unfortunate that we tend to get labeled as useless escapists who are detached from reality. I feel that it's been helping for me to just take a few moments every now and then to just calmly listen to what my soul may be saying. It certainly feels better than attacking myself for not being exactly what society says that I should be.

Useless comment is useless!

[mirrorvoid.livejournal.com]

I was gonna leave some comment about the entry itself but as it's nearly 5 AM the only thing I could actually think to say was "I should give you my AIM sn some time."

[(Anonymous)]

Aha! I read it. It was a very interesting read. You could say I can kind of relate to that, ironically enough. Although I don't know if it was a thousand years ago for me by any means - time in my mind is a bit vague for some reason - but yeah, I think I get what you mean. :)

[ketunhenki.livejournal.com]

My bad~! It's Maria/Lacy - I forgot to sign in. Hahaha.

Hmm....

[(Anonymous)]

Well, speaking as an initiate of certain arts I can say that I have seen certain indications in the Dream of the veracity of these claims... which is why the reason to post at all for me, for one in my position cannot deny a True Dream no matter how my consious mind reacts to it. I am however unsure of what to say, though perhaps I can speak from my own knowledge of magic as you seem to be frustrated with this world in that regard.

1. Magic works in this world. It can work amazingly well if a person is disciplined in their practice. If you set aside an hour or two a day for spiritual/magical training your communication with that involved in the Other will increase substantially, and you will see results on the material.

2.Since you are given your history likely insterested in the darker side of magic, EA Koetting's Works of Darkness may be reccomeded. Michael Ford is... ok. Some like him, some hate him. I got some good results personally but then my path changed.

3. A good, though more goodness-oriented, source on magic is Franz Bardons Initiation into Hermetics. I have not seen anyone go through his training system without becoming a competent mage.

4.This is not to say magic in this world does not have it's issues. The two main ones are that there is a sort of conspiracy of silence regarding it-overt manifestations of ability are rarely 'allowed' in public because of this. So what one can do within ones sanctum and what one may do when crossing the street often show a large gap. The second is a very steep learning curve, moreso than most worlds i'm familiar with. It can take tremendous effort to attain competence.

5. The lack of scientific evidence of magical functioning in this world presents a barrier for some, and the conspiracy of silence mentioned above contributes to this. Nevertheless, if this is an issue for you look into the history of research into psychic phenomena. Contrary to popular belief great success has been found in demonstrating some forms of ESP as well as microPK. This is the lowest level of effect possible; much greater effects are entirely possible.

May this find you well.

Re: Hmm....

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

You... believe me? That's new and different. I appreciate it!

I've dabbled in studies of the occult for many years now, and never really hit any success. My lack may be from not having a teacher who knows the systems of this universe, I suppose.

Thank you for the recommendations, and I'll check them out!

I really appreciated you comment, and hope that if you wander back and see this you might share how you came across my post. :)

[nachtwundarzt.livejournal.com]

I read it! o/

And shit, you know, if that's the definition of evil... that's really not so bad. At least, to me. I mean, I care about about the feelings of some people-- people that I know, love and care about or, say, people I identify with (some trans people, some gay people). But outside of that, people can just go get fucked for all I care. I fail to see why caring about yourself first is really a bad thing... or why going against society's definition of "moral" is a bad thing. Fuck, half the time REAL ETHICS goes against what society says is "moral". Pfbbbbt.

Anyhow...

Good to see you've found your footing again. You know, we really need to talk more sometime... AIM s/n, I can haz?

[cori-chronicles.livejournal.com]

I read it! I had to read a couple times to make sure I followed what you said.

Who am I to disagree that what you say is true?

I hope you find what you're looking for.